Which Premier League Team Are You?

Which Premier League Team Are You?

As we head into the final few games of the Premier League, you might wonder how the table would look if it was the sales leader board?

There are some easy comparisons to make between teams this season and a few sales people who we all know or have heard stories about!

Leicester City

They may not make the most phone calls or attend the most meetings, but somehow they keep pulling deals out of the hat! They ask all the complimentary questions, and won’t take no for an answer. Never expected to finish in the Winners Club but everyone hopes they close that last deal before year end (apart from Tottenham!).


Their new sales manager has come in and redesigned the go-to-market strategy and are now reaping the rewards from a tough training regime and learning new scripts. Have a few key deals in the pipeline but it’s touch-and-go if they close before the end of the year to get to #1. 

Man. City

They have been given some of the top spending accounts without really justifying success in the past. Can always rely on a few accounts (Aguero PLC and De Bruyne Ltd) to spend money where needed. They’re expected to do better next year, and the new incoming manager will not be happy if they don’t hit high their targets!


Seemingly happy to finish in the Winners Circle – but it’s been a long time since they took the #1 spot as they always… always… bottle the big calls. If they lose a deal, it’s always someone else’s fault; never their own.

Man. United

Some consider them to be “over the hill”, and struggling to keep up with the new breed of sales guys coming through and seem to be losing the big-brand accounts to rivals. They never really got to grips when a former manager moved on.

West Ham

Moving to a massive new office in the summer. They don’t really have a good pitch, but the customer still always buys. Good new manager who everyone in the team loves and hopefully will see some bigger targets being hit next year.


Used to be a top sales guy, and still live off their success from decades ago. They can win some top accounts when they want to, but struggle with winning run-rate business however they have spent way too much on client entertainment.


They always have to pass on their new accounts before they really start spending. Who knows how good they’d be if they had kept them…Have under-forecasted and over-performed for a few years and because of this the manager will no-doubt be headhunted by a bigger company.


Last year’s top biller got off to a stinker this year, and thought that sales were easier to come by and with this, their sales manager lost the plot and started blaming the receptionist for losing big accounts! Everyone else is secretly happy that they didn’t perform well this year.

Stoke City

Not the best sales guy, but consistently mid-table each year. Their accounts are a mix of small local companies to big international brands but nobody knows why the big brands want to work with them; nevertheless, they consistently draw them in.


Oldest guy in the office, but always seems to get by each year. They’re about to lose their best account (Lukaku Ltd) and who knows what damage that’ll do next year. They lost the chance of winning a final incentive, and they’ve got worse year-on-year; next year is very much an unknown.


Competes with colleagues covering the same patch, but very unlikely ever to be as good as them and they can sometimes use dirty tactics to win deals. They’ve done the basics well this year though, steadily hitting targets.


They always travel miles each week, without complaint. Over achieved on their target this year, when nobody gave them a chance and have recently been promoted in to a new role which they’ve done well in.

West Brom

Keeps a low profile each year, and certainly not flashy. They do just enough each year to keep in a job but are still the best performing team on their patch – which they love!

Swansea City

Good business sense, and always seem to make the right calls at the right time! Everyone seems to get on well with them. They’ve planned well, given the patch that they cover isn’t the biggest.

Crystal Palace

Started well after winning the Cabaye account, and have a good chance of winning the final incentive! The office atmosphere is bouncing when this person is on top form and as such they are seemingly happy to be under pressure from the bosses.


Struggle to hit deadlines, and always leave it very late! They sometimes don’t take pride in their role and are not very good at PR or marketing themselves.

Norwich City

Yo-yo sales guy – one minute they’re good – one minute they’re bad! They could do with working from a bigger home office and if they could, their owner would pick up the phone and start selling!


Doesn’t work well as a team, and more interested in appearance than working hard. Common opinion is that they are overpaid, and nobody knows how they justify their wages. Not very focused when working from their home office.

Aston Villa

They’ve had numerous sales managers – all of which have been awful! Rightly, they’re bottom of the league and should have been sacked years ago. The owner doesn’t really care about the business, and just wants to sell it for a big profit ASAP.