What if the Premier League Teams were in Sales...?

What if the Premier League Teams were in Sales...?

A tongue-in-cheek look at what the Premier League would look like if they were a sales person… I know sales and I know football – so why not combine the 2!

Would love to hear your thoughts – especially if you have sales/football puns!

Manchester City

Pipeline is looking very strong and they’re winning all of the incentives. The go-to-market strategy is finally paying off… but they are backed by the largest marketing spend in the world. Anything less than top performer and they’ll be disappointed!

Manchester United

No matter what they do, they’ll grind out results week-in, week-out. They’re all about winning and whilst they don’t always have the most innovative sales strategies, they do what it takes to hit their targets.

Tottenham Hotspur

Working from a different office whilst their old place is being renovated. They are desperate to finish 1st however they never quite manage to close the important deals. It’s likely that their top performers will get headhunted by bigger business.


Expected to be fired or transferred divisions this financial year – however seem to be outperforming most! Well-above expectations and a new manager is providing some quality advice to the team. Can they continue to perform at this level?


Last year’s top performer have had a slow start this quarter. They found a new sales strategy and routine however all of their colleagues have followed suit.


The sales manager is a stalwart however some of his best sales guys want to jump ship. They are inconsistent performers and are in desperate need of a shake up! If they want to be the best – then their processes need to change.


Started very well this year but it’s unlikely that they will be in the ‘Winners Circle’ come the end of the year. Their manager may get headhunted but there’s been talk of it for a few years now.


Used to be a top sales guy, and still live off their success from decades ago. Next year will be their year…

Newcastle United

They should be performing better but it’s important that they get some revenue on the board. Always seem on the verge of a breakdown, but a new CEO should steady the ship.

West Bromwich Albion

Probably the least popular of the sales team, but they don’t care. Just keep on performing each year and they come in, do their job, go home with minimum fuss.


They always have to pass on their new accounts before they really start spending – who knows where they’d be if they kept on their best accounts. Sales reps often go to Liverpool but the CEO has to put a stop to that this year.

Huddersfield Town

Newly promoted from the inside sales team – and seem to be doing ok with the senior sales reps!

Swansea City

Good business sense, and always seem to make the right calls at the right time! Everyone seems to get on well with them. They’ve planned well, given the patch that they cover isn’t the biggest.

Brighton and Hove Albion

New to sales and they’re just looking to make a name for themselves. Not sure if they understand how tough senior sales is, but they’re giving it a go!

West Ham United

Moved into a new office that is not suitable for sales. Inconsistent performer but on their day can out-work any other member of the team.


Spent a lot to support their sales manager – but some of the team aren’t performing. Headhunted a few duff players and they need to start bringing in revenue or the manager is going…

Stoke City

Not the best sales guy, but consistently mid-table each year. Always gets too drunk and fights at the Christmas party. Nobody wants to step onto their sales patch.

Leicester City

Sales Manager has been sacked. They’ve had a few sales managers in the last few years. The owners are hard people to please. They were the #1 performer a few years ago but that was totally unexpected… now they are performing at their expected level.


They were billed as the “next-big-thing” after performing above their expectations in the last couple of years. Probably showing their true abilities right now – and the manager is running out of ideas to motivate the team.

Crystal Palace

Old-school sales manager has come in and the hope are high – certainly after out-performing last year’s top performer this week. Have got the raw ingredients to perform well.